Week 195

Where do I even start? The political climate, despondent for a family that doesn't care, health anxiety, my car falling apart, living in the South, job searching to improve my life, healthcare in the U.S., etc, etc, fucking etc.!

My health is asunder. Stress and anxiety are ripping me at the seams. I've been to a therapist for this, but therapy doesn't work on me. I've tried. Believe it, I really have tried. My gender doctor, Dr. Racher, decided to go ahead and put me on klonopin to help with the anxiety — and it does help a small bit. But this nonsense keeps eating at me because I'm constantly surrounded by it.

My digestive system is acting up again. Honestly, I don't think it ever recovered. I still deal with the occasional acid reflux, but the past several months have been an ongoing trial to figure out what I can eat that won't upset my digestive tract and cause my body to go weak. Something's terribly wrong, and I (and various doctors) can't figure it out.

My head issues are back — mainly the pressure in the back of my lower head/upper neck area is back (though it never truly went away...it just hasn't been as bad until a few months ago.) Is it fluid causing an issue? A small, tiny tumour or cyst? It's steadily gotten worse since September of last year.

I went to my GI doctor on Wednesday (after calling in sick to work) to get tested for celiac disease/gluten sensitivity. I haven't heard back from them yet. I figured I would by late yesterday (Friday), but nope. Nothing. I also had an MRI done on my neck/spine on Thursday. I figured the same for it on Friday, but also nope. Nothing. And now the health anxiety is kicking in to overdrive. Hopefully I hear something back from both on Monday. I can't take this. I need help.

I'm shaky. I get chills. My whole abdominal area feels bloated. I'm hurting a bit on the lower right side of my back (currently, a heating pad is helping with that.) I continuously get light-headed from the pressure in the back of my head. My eyesight has regressed drastically since getting a new prescription in January. That aspect scares the hell out of me. Eyesight is so precious.

So, what is going on? Is my body low on something? Is there some deficiency in my body that I'm not aware of — I've brought my potassium back up after that scare back earlier in the year. Is it iron? I feel like I've had every test under Sol done on me. The only thing that came back was low vitamin D...which I take a supplement for now. My blood pressure is always good, heart rate is great, oxygen level is fine...vitals are always a-okay. So what the hell is wrong with me?

Zach is out in California this week due to a sudden death in his family. I cried when I learnt of it. I was looking forward to meeting her, and some of her health issues are things I'm dealing with...and that aspect scares the hell out of me. I feel so terribly sad for Zach's brother. If you're reading this, sir, then here's a gigantic, so incredibly full of love virtual hug for you. I'm so extraordinarily sorry for your loss.

I'm beyond ready to get out of the South and move away with Zach — preferably out west to a progressive state that has good healthcare in place. Arkansas ranks number 49 in healthcare overall in this country. There are 50 states. NUMBER FORTY-NINE. Arkansas, get your shit together. This Republican mantra that you have a hard-on for is apparently not working for you.

It's interesting, really. Before transitioning, I never worried about my health. Yes, I was super depressed, and had events continued living that previous lie, I have no idea how I would have ended it. But my main worry and cause of stress was whether or not I'd find a way to transition. But it was never enough to cause this much anxiety...like what's happening now. Why? Because the public viewed and saw me for what I looked like — a white male. Privilege existed with that. I never worried about rights being taken away or equality disappearing for me at the snap of a finger (fuck you, Thanos.)

But now, holy shit, am I ever right in the middle of all of it. I worry constantly about what this ridiculously dumbarse administration is going to do to my people each and every week. Republicans just allowed a rapist to take a job on the Supreme Court! A job that he'll have for life! Ridiculous! There's an orange baboon in office constantly rejecting an ideology that would allow humanity to progress. Do you understand exactly how frustrating it is to see logic constantly resisted on a daily basis from that buffoon? It's excruciating! It makes me want to claw my eyes out (but I can't because eyesight is precious.)

I hear it's nice in Washington state. I have a family member there (on my dad's side of the family, ironically enough) who supports me. I'd love to meet up with him and his wife. Zach's family lives in California...and his sister in Oregon. We could complete the trifecta of west coast states! :P

My car, like I mentioned earlier, is falling apart. It's on its last life. Today, the power window on the passenger side decided to stop functioning. It needs new struts. The A/C is broken. My emergency brake handle is broken. Both door handles on the inside are broken. The passenger side door handle on the outside is broken completely off. But in order to get a new car, I need a new job. And that stresses me out, too. I was supposed to get a call for a phone interview this past Tuesday for an interior designer position, but they never called. I was heartbroken. That position would have almost doubled my current pay.

My head is really starting to hurt, guys. I'm gonna go lie down now with the heating pad on my neck. But hey, 195 weeks of transitioning. How about that?

Be good, do good. Love. <3