Social Conservatives and Cancer *EOTWP*

28 October

Week 91
Did I say and up there?? Oops. I meant are. Anyhoo...

I'll let the boobies speak for themselves.
I feel like I have so many transgender female friends who are having their SRS scheduled in the near future. I'm extremely thrilled for them, but it causes great depression in me. I hate this alien "thing" that's attached to me. I want it gone. I want the feeling of knowing nothing is protruding down there, I want to be able to have vaginal sex with my boyfriend (even though it's incredible now as I currently am), and I just desire that freedom from being shackled in chains so much. It doesn't belong on me. I despise it. I have vehement hatred for it. :'(

And several weeks ago, I discovered through a trans friend of mine that the doctor who I want to use for my surgery...doesn't even work with insurance. Fuck. What am I supposed to do now?? One of the major reasons for hanging on to my job with HD was the fact that my health insurance through them covers SRS (or at least a good portion of the cost.)

Now I need to find something that actually pays me well, and that I can start building toward being able to afford my surgery costs. Dr. McGinn in Pennsylvania does absolutely incredible work, and she's the only one whom I really trust to do the job.

This has just been weighing on my mind so heavily as of late. I mean, I'm fairly close to my two year mark for being on HRT. Hitting that mark is, according to WPATH standards of care, when it becomes appropriate and are able to have SRS. Not that I was planning on having my surgery close to that date, as I'm leaning toward the three year mark to do so, but still. *sigh*

I just want to feel complete. :/
I early voted this past week. Hooray for progressiveness!
I love my boyfriend, you guys. I really do. Zachary is so good to me. I've never felt emotions toward another person like this in previous relationships — even before transitioning. I love that boy with every ounce of my being, and I acquire so much glee and giddiness every time I see him. It's such a wonderful feeling. It's like I'm looking into the vastness of space...and discover a new star brimming with life each and every time.  That's what it's like upon seeing his face.
I know I used this photo in last week's entry, but damnit, he's adorable.
I suppose that's enough mushy sweet talk for you lot. See you next week. Be good, do! <3

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  1. Thank you so much for pouring your heart out in your blog. I have learned a lot about myself and what a transition it has been for you. Your one comment about anger really got me thinking. As an old guy my testosterone has been falling for some time and I have noticed the changes in my feelings. I cry at the most lame movies, and find I love people more than ever. I rarely get angry, it's more likely my feelings get hurt. I cried when I read about your Dad and Brother. That is so sad. My wife had a problem with her Dad for years. It surfaced the Christmas after we were married. She was upset with the situation but could not find any resolution. Since he was a drunk, there ws nothing she could really do. I said," Send him a Christmas card and just say Merry Christmas. Don't expect a call, or anything in response." A week after Christmas She got a birthday card from her Dad, and that started a slow reconnection. I told her not to expect anything to really change over and over. It took a few years, but eventually he quite calling her when he had been drinking and they have a good relationship now. So this Christmas send your Dad and brother a card with two words Merry Christmas, and don't expect anything in return. You will feel better knowing you took the first step forward, and it is up to them to grow a individuals. Yours truly, Jo An