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| Week 69 |
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| So many changes and developments since then. |
Mom, of course, cried. And not just about that, but about the physical and mental changes. I didn't. I smiled. I was happy. I was beginning to become more and more thrilled with life and being alive.
My mother was negative about the move. "Who is this girl, Ruth, you'll be living with?" "You can't trust someone new like that." "What makes you think she won't turn her back on you?" "Does she go to church?" "If not, you can't trust her."
Negativity. Negativity. Negativity.
That's all I ever heard growing up. Do you understand now why so much fear and guilt was instilled into my mind as a child? And how that kept me from coming out sooner as transgender and changing my life for the better at an earlier age? That's why it took losing religion and dumping that bag of lies into a bin to free myself from any crazed theological burden. I broke those ridiculous chains and recognised reality for what it truly is. My mother has used this tactic her entire life to keep her children "chained" and bonded close by. Because goodness, we can't let the little ones see the truth of the world for what it really is...let's keep believing in fairy tales instead. That'll work. /sarcasm Yeah, um. No.
Unfortunately, my other two siblings are still chained. This continues to break my heart. I weep for them. :/
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| Ruth and I went shopping yesterday. Primarily for her, as I had empty pockets, but I tried on this really cute dress. I want it! |
Wednesday, however, was frightening. I collapsed and fainted while at work. I was at the very tail-end of my shift, when I had to go to the restroom. It hurt...peeing, that is. I didn't think anything crazy about it at first until I finished and looked down into the toilet. There was spotty blood. It scared me, but I quickly finished my business, cleaned up, and headed back out onto the sales floor. Nausea began kicking in. But I thought it was just a mental thing from me seeing my own blood. (I despise seeing my own blood with a passion. Others, not so much.) But it wasn't. I made my way back to the self-checkouts to take over for the other head cashier who was supposed to have left at 2 p.m. I kept getting more and more nauseous. I had to sit down and put a fan in front of my face. I began sweating. Cold sweats, even. An elderly gentleman looked my way and asked, "Dear, are you okay?" I shrugged it off, told him that I was fine, and proceeded to help him. My vision started getting very bright and everything turned white fairly quickly. I turned to look at the computer monitor in front of me, and that was the very last thing I remember.
I collapsed. I woke up lying down on the ground with a very sore right elbow (it's better now) that must have caught my fall — because, thankfully, I didn't hit my head when landing. One of my co-workers, an elderly man by the name of Dave (thanks, Dave!) came to my aid to sit me up and ask if I was okay. Haha, the first thing I remember saying was, "I pee'd blood." He took a step back, but a customer (I still have no clue who helped me) wrapped his arms around me, picking me up to set me on one of our motorised carts. I was cold-sweating so much. But I'm so thankful I didn't hit my head.
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| Gigi girl giving mum some comfort, the day after her frightening day at work. (She was partially lying on the heating pad with me.) :P |
Stay alive out there, people. Be good, do good. Love. <3
- 27 May
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