PMS 101 *EOTWP*

Friday, January 01, 2016

Week 48
12 solar calendar months. Four weeks/28 days total. 342 individual days of popping "titty skittles." LOLs. Today marks 48 weeks worth of hormone replacement therapy, or as I prefer to call it...my lifeline.
Mid-to-late 2014: A very scared and weary me with my sweet boy, T.C. (pre-therapist sessions)
Last year, I was entrenched in gender therapy under a licensed therapist in the Jonesboro area who helped give me hope in becoming my true self. I remember being so terrified; so beyond unnerved about beginning these initial steps toward reclaiming myself. I remember each meeting building more and more confidence, little by little each and every time I sat and spoke with her. Frowns turned into mollified expressions. Contented emotions turned into aspiring hope. And that hope turned into the very smiles and dimpled grins you see plastered across each of my photos to this day.
Finally catching up with myself. :)
I am my mother's daughter. Literally. It can't be denied.
12 months! :D
But there is one aspect I still fight with — my weight.

 I've always been so self-conscious about my weight. Getting called toothpick or beanpole, getting told I should eat more, and even having vile jokes about my weight in relation to sexuality growing up has always put me on edge and made me quite aware of this particular aspect of my physicality. I've always kept myself small. I would eat and eat and eat as a teenager and into my 20s, and I'd never gain a single bit of extra weight. It wasn't until my late 20s that my metabolism started slowing, and I began gaining added weight. Around September of last year, I reached the maximum weight I've ever gained, standing 5'10" at almost 170 pounds.
In 2010 (w/ ex-girlfriend), I reached 165 pounds. I felt miserable. Also...quite confused with the direction in which my life was spiralling out of control. Notice all of the half-hearted smiles from my pre-transition days? Right. It was difficult to sincerely smile (unless someone told a hysterical joke.) [Side note: my neck was so thick back then! Crazy.]
I knew that I needed to shed some of that before transitioning to get myself in a better position to go forward and allow my body (and genetics) to have better results via the hormones. You see, I run. A lot. No, really, a LOT (though I haven't much this past year because of transitioning and my fear of reacting badly to running long distances under my hormone regiment — scared of the possible adverse effects.) But last year, between the months of September to November, I dropped that weight back to my "comfort" level by running more than I usually do. I went from an almost 170 pounds down to 135. I felt great. Though, the depression leading up to transitioning might have helped a small bit in losing some of that weight.
November 2014: I had finally dropped back down to 135 pounds. I was a LOT more comfortable with myself. (Pre-transition)
Now fast-forward to today's blog entry. As you can tell from the physical statistics progression I post every two weeks, my weight has increased ever so gradually. It fluctuates constantly, but the span of my weight fluctuation has increased by about 10 pounds since I began transitioning. When I did begin the process, I ranged between 130 to 135. Now, my normative span is 140 to 145. Yes yes, added weight from breast, hip, and butt growth...but not 10 pounds worth.
Boobs and hips, yay! :D :D
My appetite is insatiable now. And this is because of the hormones. I stay hungry all the damn time. Granted, it is helping the boobies with filling out, but it's also increasing tummy fat — fat that I really wish would hurry up and disperse to areas it should be dispersing to by now (hips and butt.) See, women have more adipose tissue than men do. A lot of this builds up in the hips, butt, upper arm, and pubis areas on women. I've definitely added inches to my hips because of the hormones, and I'm now starting to see it form on my upper arms finally and thankfully (anything to rid myself of the overly masculine muscle definition that's always shown on me from being thin.) It's also starting to push toward the pubis area as well. The skin/tissue in the pelvis area is definitely getting squishier and softer.

Maybe the point I'm trying to make is that I don't really have a point. Hah. I should be thrilled this added weight is finally happening. It's just...it's been so long since I've cracked 150 pounds, and seeing my weight reach that point again scares me ever so slightly (even more so since I've shrunk in height a tiny bit.) Retaining water more easily doesn't help matters either — which is hysterical since it always occurs when my roommate is on her period (and that week is this week. We've been synced up for a while now. LOLs.

 Anyhow, happy New Year, you guys. Here's to this year bringing all sorts of wonderful, new changes! *raises wine glass* See ya. And be good! <3 (Another post coming soon about New Year's Eve! Promise!)

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Anna Claire

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