Beyond the Nexus *EOTWP*

Friday, January 08, 2016

Week 49

"At what central point did you realise that you were transgender?"

I get asked this quite a bit. Not necessarily worded in that exact manner, but the notion behind the question is still the same. It's not so much a realisation that came to me out of the blue one day, but more so a collection of feelings and emotions acquired as I pushed my way through life experiencing all the different facets of a very rigidly and structurally based binary gender society.

"You're supposed to stand to pee...like a man!" No, sitting feels more natural and "correct."

"Play with G.I. JOEs and Tonka trucks and go fishing and hunting and don't be afraid to put your fists up to fight and defend yourself!" No, can I just play Ghostbusters and be Janine carrying a Proton Pak? Oh, I have to be Egon? Okay then. (I'm not even "nerdy.") :/ Can I play with my older sister's toys and makeup and nail polish and put on her heeled shoes and wear her dresses instead? No? Drat.

"You're have to wear clothing for boys and dress masculine. Because I said so." But I really like bows and dresses and pastel colours and softer fabrics and midi shorts and camisoles and bikinis and etc etc etc!! *secretly thumbs through the women's clothing section of the J.C. Penney Sunday circular ad*

I think the biggest set of emotions that came over me in finally understanding what being transgender means was during my relationship escapades in my 20s. It's kind of difficult to explain. I was attracted to the female sex just like the majority of cisgender males are, but my personal, intimate connection was drastically different. And this affected physicality aspects of being involved with a woman. I didn't get anything out of sex. It was meaningless on my end as I was totally and utterly betrothed into wanting to know what my significant other was physically feeling and experiencing. It caused problems...in the bedroom. Because I knew that I should be in her role. All of this made me feel that I was asexual regarding my sexual preference and identity. And that, coupled with being transgender, really opened my eyes and shed light upon who I was at the core.

It made me feel desperate to get started on transitioning...because I wanted everything in my life to start feeling right and making sense. And it is and does now. From latching on to the cute boy's arm when we're together, to shimmying my arse when I get excited about something, to being overall more expressive with all of my actions, this sensation of being able to finally open up and be me for once is incredibly liberating. And the hysterical notion is that it's all the norm for cisgender women. You don't even think twice about it. But I've thought about it a gazillion times throughout my life...being envious and jealous of every single one of you girls every step of the way.

I suppose I still view gender as being very binary — I just happened to have been born on the wrong side of it. Like, I'm super supportive of non-binary, intersex, agender, and genderqueer individuals, don't get me wrong. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around it sometimes. I can't even imagine what it's like for those people born with both male and female sex organs. But like anyone else, I'll look at you as my best friend and offer you all the support and advice that I possibly can give. Because that's who I am. I love. It's all that I know. <3
The boobies...they are a'growing.
On the physical development front, holy hell, are my boobs growing now. I've gained breast tissue for the past eight weeks in a row, and although the increases have been slight (minus last week's, which was much greater than the six weeks before), it's getting very noticeable now. This makes me all too happy, and it gives me SO much confidence going forward. Keep growing, damnit! GROW! >:D

Work has been....errrr...well, I was only scheduled one day this past week. On Sunday morning for six hours....yeesh. :/ I kind of can't pay my bills with that, Old Navy. Think you could add a little more to that, please? Ugh. At least work is getting better now that the seasonal hysteria is subsiding back into whence it came. I've been getting to work more in the kids' department, so I'm much happier now. That's good. Still filling out lots and lots of applications. Full-time job, where you at, yo?

Ya know who I love so much? Rey from Star Wars. She rocks. See ya, space cowboy! Be good! <3

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