The Fear Within *EOTWP*

Friday, December 11, 2015

Week 45

Fear (in verb form), as defined by Google Dictionary, is to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

And compassion is defined as sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Conservative republicans fear me...because they think I'm going to do terrible, dangerous things to their daughters or wives in the restroom. Misogynists are threatened by me...because they think ill of me as a woman — that I couldn't possibly be a woman (and all of the traits therein.) So, of those three descriptors in the definition above, we're left with one...

Painful.

This blog entry will be focused primarily on my brother, Shaun. Some of you who read my blog might even be very good friends with him. That's great, really. At his very imprisoned core, he can be a wonderful person. But he's missing (as is the rest of my family) the one key component of being human...and it was also defined above.

My brother is not compassionate. He is not sympathetic to what ails another individual that he deems not worthy enough of his twisted, warped view of how humanity and life is supposed to be. The fault of this is most definitely his religion — err, his contorted, cherry-picked view of religion, that is.

My brother became my best friend entering into my 20s and all the way up until he realised that I was, in fact, transitioning. We played all sorts of video games together, got on with the Herd group of friends of ours constantly, threw a baseball back and forth for exercise often, and was my cohort on the court (I should seriously trademark that line) when we'd play basketball on Sunday nights with our group of friends. But all of that changed when Shaun discovered who I truly am at heart.

You see, Shaun, all that you had to do was open your heart and mind, embrace who I am (slowly, mind you), and show that compassionate love toward me that I have defined so easily for you above. It truly is that simple. But instead, in those initial days of me coming out, and you not being so sure what exactly was going to take place, you decided to come over to my apartment to offer me a pitty prayer...as if praying for this was going to magically turn everything around and make me masculine in some miraculous event. And though you didn't use those exact words during your prayer, as I was crying with my eyes open and head up (while you had yours closed and your head bowed), I recognised the lack of empathy that was present in that moment in my small apartment. Because I knew what you were "praying for." You were belittling me. In actuality, you were "praying against" me coming out as transgender. And why?

Because of fear. You carry with you a mindset that refrains itself from understanding true grievances that people of a different stature might be enduring. And when presented with an instance of something of this calibre, you scoff. You have proven this time and again on your social media accounts (as has dad.) And it's disgusting. Putrid. For those of you not aware, my brother follows Matt Walsh, a professional truth-sayer, as he titles himself. Ugh. Walsh is very much so anti-LGBT and a bigot of the
He reads my blog! He reads my blog! /sarcasm
highest calibre in all of his writings on his blog. And my brother retweets and "likes" quite a lot of Walsh's tweets. You think you might be spreading the message in a positive manner for the gain of humanity, Shaun, but what you're actually doing is sending a hateful message — one of which is stunted, slanderous, and denying of human growth and positivity. And that's why I fight back, Shaun. That's why I speak up above all of the loud, vocal majority of people who follow in yours and Walsh's steps.
No one should EVER feel shame in who they are as an individual. It's people such as
this twatwaffle that want to keep others under their feet, living in a patriarchal society.
And it has shit to do with your beliefs, Shaun (fully loving others.) Please understand that. You can worship all of the crazy "Gods" that you want to. I honestly don't care. But what I do care about is that you compassionately love everyone without fear. This aspect of life is a black and white affair. There's no grey middle ground here. You just love. And that's it. It's all that your sister wants from others and strives to be in herself. I have been immensely patient in awaiting a sincere understanding from you and the rest of our family...and not a single one of you have taken even the slightest step to fulfill creating that. It's been a year since I came out to you lot, and no change has even occurred. Do you understand how that creates this vigorous fire within me? Do you see the pain now? Do you?!

(See, Shaun...I can do this, too.)

Be good and do good! Love. <3
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For the rest of you,

Do I come across as being attacking toward my family, or as one furiously trying to shed light upon a situation that so desperately needs truth?

I've always felt that when pressure is applied against negativity, it can eventually circumvent and destroy any clout that causes that kind of thinking — it's just that the pressure you apply must be based upon truth and positivity. And I feel I do just that in my blog.

I created this primarily as a resource for cisgender people to come to understand what it is that transgender people face daily in our lives. And as well, my blog is used as a lifeline for those trans people who feel there is no hope in their lives — which is why we fight and rise above the hate and discrimination. So we can live. You don't get anywhere by just waiting it out. I tried that for 32 years, and near the end of 2014, I wanted to die. But I threw myself a rope to latch on to. And I'm very thrilled that I caught it.

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