On the Other Side *EOTWP*

18 December

Week 46
This past season of Fargo has been great. It's been some of the best television I've watched in a long, long while. The last several episodes, especially, have been incredibly intense. I don't think I would have reacted with such fear and unrest building inside at each and every pivotal scene had I watched it all pre-transitioning. And that brings me to this blog entry's title and subject at hand — being involved with emotions, feelings, and the physicality of being on this other side of the gender spectrum.
My side profile has changed drastically. I've gained tissue on my chin and cheeks,
and my neck has thinned considerably!
Growing up, I was never masculine in any sense of the word. Yes yes, I did keep stubble on my chin primarily because I got so sick of having to shave it every day to keep from seeing it (or having it be seen by others.) I didn't jump into that realm of being masculine until my 20s arrived when I started forcing myself to be male out of fear that I'd never succeed at or get the chance to begin transitioning. I gave in. It was a sad time in my life. Trying to fit in to societal norms of what's expected out of me because of a ridiculous dongle that sits between my legs...is emotionally crushing. I despise that I wasted those years away trying to be something I never was, and in turn, affected certain people's direction in their own lives. That feeling is hard to escape from...it's terrible.
Finally living on the other side makes me feel invincible!
But the one aspect I couldn't run from because of it being built internally within me was this other side — the other side of the gender spectrum. Reaching forward and finally being able to grasp on to elements that society deems natural for the female gender to match what was going on inside my mind and body...well, it's like a complete restoration of life. And with HRT (hormone replacement) bringing forward all of these new mental and physical expressions, feelings, and senses to light, it has developed new reactions and whatnot toward all of these material sensory devices that exist around us — films, art, music, etc.

 I watched the first series of Fargo before I began transitioning. Did I experience that same fear and unrest like I did with the second series during my transition? I can describe it as being similar in tone, but with aggression and a domineering nature still coursing through my body, my feelings were that of shock and awe...and less of fear and unrest. I trembled during particular scenes of this past series — something I never did during the first series — despite both being spectacular all the same. It's interesting.
Juno (sitting) and Gigi. I <3 them so much.
There is certain humour I find funny now. I never did before. And likewise, vice versa. A couple of months ago, I rewatched Dumb & Dumber for probably the four-hundredth time. It wasn't as funny as I remembered it being before transitioning. Certain elements were funnier, mind you, but the overall movie wasn't as great as I remembered. I react way differently to music now. It has become such a direct and strong emotional connection, that my entire body actually wants to move to all the different rhythms that lace themselves upon my ears. I love it. I cry more during films (I seriously cannot wait to see The Danish Girl.) All of these new sensations are just incredible, really. It is seriously all so difficult to describe in writing. But everything finally feels real. That, I know for sure.
Breast growth again! Woohoo!
But hey, my boobs have grown slightly more as well! The cleavage is getting more prominent. Go me! Yay for boobies. <3
Cleavage, ahoy!
I am slightly irked at one thing, however. My upcoming gender clinic visit with Dr. Cathey got postponed by almost two months. TWO MONTHS. Gah. I was supposed to go on the 29th of this month, but now I'm rescheduled for the 23rd of February in 2016. That's bonkers. But oh well. I don't think there's much I can do about it. I just worry about my prescriptions getting refilled, that's all. Got to love that American healthcare system, right. :/
Juno was caught off-guard by his sister. <3
Be good and do good. Love. Until next week! <3

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Anna Claire

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