All Around Sarail: December 2015

The Meaning of Christmas EOTWP

Week 47

This time last year, I sat in a house full of immediate family members who all finally knew what was going on with me (minus my nephew and niece, Beau and Ally.) Though none of them truly knew the extent of the forthcoming events, there was fear and discontent in the eyes of each and every single one of them as they danced their line of sight in my direction. Direct eye contact was horrid. I could feel the uneasiness and disaffection upon locking eyes. I even snapped at my sister's now ex-husband at one point because of my own internal frustration.

2013 Christmas at my sister's house. My dad received a gun. :/
I didn't take any photos of last year's Christmas because of all the animosity
that had developed. I was very sad at the time.

I was miserable. But I could see the figurative light shining at the end of the tunnel. My hope was arriving — albeit slowly. I was on my way.

So, here we are one year later, fully arrived amidst Christmas week. 100 percent engulfed in my transitional process, surrounded by new friends and family that love me unconditionally, and I even have a cute boy to celebrate the festive spirit with as well. It's crazy. I would have never thought I'd ever reach this point. It's wonderful.

On Monday, the week started off poorly, however. Work presented me with a deluge of uninteresting toil and drudgery as I worked an overnight shift from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m. Ugh. I even got yelled at. That was loads of fun. Have I said how much I despise Old Navy yet? :/ Anyhow, when 5 a.m. rolled around, I put on my figurative dash boots and got out of there as quickly as I could.

That same morning, we left around 10 a.m. for Hot Springs Village, where Ruth's grandparents call home. I love going over there. They're super sweet, adorable people, and I'm totally claiming them as my own grandparents, too. But yes, we had an early Christmas at their house. And it was utterly grand. I enjoy talking to them, and watching Ruth mix in with her own family brings immense joy to my heart. <3

Ruth gave me this lovely engraved ring for Christmas.
I love it SO much. <3

Seeing all of that unfold before my eyes on Tuesday made me question the reasoning behind this holiday. What is the meaning of Christmas after all?

No, it's definitely not the culmination of Pagan traditions all wrapped up in a tidy, little Christian gift basket meant to celebrate the birth of some impossibly procreated child. No no, Christmas, as a western culture-developed holiday means so much more than that. It's about family and friends, showcasing love and endearing affection to those close to you and around you, good food and happiness spent with those you love, and watching the eyes light up of children all over the world as they witness the cheer and festive wonders of the Christmas season. Obviously, this holds true for the other like-minded holidays that take place during this season as well. And that makes my heart swell all over.

Christmas is about love. It's about displaying love. It's about spreading love to all. It's about good times, laughs, full bellies, presents, and wonder. As an atheist and humanist, this holiday season creates so much delight and elation within me. And that's because love is the key; it's the primary focus that all should encapsulate within their hearts and minds. It's something that shouldn't come only one day out of the year, but instead, every day, all year long. It should never end.

Yummy chocolate pie that Ruth's grandmother created. OMG. Yes yes yes.

Wednesday had arrived. I was slightly nervous that morning, as I knew that I would be meeting the cute boy's mother for lunch. I suppose we've arrived at that point now, too. I really do like this guy a lot. He's sweet to me. Sneaky sweet, I guess. :P I don't know how he does it, or even why, but I really adore that he is so respectful and kind toward me. And his mother is all the same, too. I loved getting to meet her (and his brother, too!), and listening to her stories of the cute boy's upbringing was all kinds of grand. I definitely hope I can talk with her again in person some day soon. I enjoyed her presence. :)

So, that brings us to Christmas Eve. I had to work an early shipment day shift, but I was off by 10 a.m. Ruth, however, had to work longer hours yesterday; she didn't clock out for Christmas until 6 that evening. But afterwards, Ruth, Phillip, and I met up with Sarah (one of Ruth's really good friends) to go have a sort of Christmas Eve dinner at Casa Mañana up the hill from our apartment. I had never eaten there before, but oh goodness...the food was soooooooo good! And the strawberry margaritas were as well! <3 After dinner, we came back to the apartment for more drinks and a game of Cards Against Humanity. It was a great time all around. And drunk Anna is still fun. :P

What you're not seeing in this photo is the huge grin that's about
to develop while I'm texting the cute boy. :)

And so here we are today...Christmas has arrived. One year ago, it didn't feel like Christmas at all. But this entire week (minus the workday on Monday) has been one of the best weeks of my entire life. From visiting with Ruth's grandparents, meeting part of the cute boy's immediate family for a wonderful lunch get-together, and to partying with Ruth, Phillip, and Sarah here in Little Rock in a festive fashion, it's been a complete maelstrom of happy emotions. Yes, it makes me remember all the bad from last year, but it overshadows it. And that's good — definitely good. We're even going over to Phillip's mother's house for a yummy Christmas dinner later today. THERE WILL BE HAM. LOTS of it. Yay, indeed.

So, with that said, good tidings and cheer to all. Happy holidays, you lot. ^_^ (Be good!)

25 December
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On the Other Side EOTWP

Anna

Week 46

This past season of Fargo has been great. It's been some of the best television I've watched in a long, long while. The last several episodes, especially, have been incredibly intense. I don't think I would have reacted with such fear and unrest building inside at each and every pivotal scene had I watched it all pre-transitioning. And that brings me to this blog entry's title and subject at hand — being involved with emotions, feelings, and the physicality of being on this other side of the gender spectrum.

My side profile has changed drastically. I've gained tissue on my chin and cheeks,
and my neck has thinned considerably!

Growing up, I was never masculine in any sense of the word. Yes yes, I did keep stubble on my chin primarily because I got so sick of having to shave it every day to keep from seeing it (or having it be seen by others.) I didn't jump into that realm of being masculine until my 20s arrived when I started forcing myself to be male out of fear that I'd never succeed at or get the chance to begin transitioning. I gave in. It was a sad time in my life. Trying to fit in to societal norms of what's expected out of me because of a ridiculous dongle that sits between my legs...is emotionally crushing. I despise that I wasted those years away trying to be something I never was, and in turn, affected certain people's direction in their own lives. That feeling is hard to escape from...it's terrible.

Finally living on the other side makes me feel invincible!

But the one aspect I couldn't run from because of it being built internally within me was this other side — the other side of the gender spectrum. Reaching forward and finally being able to grasp on to elements that society deems natural for the female gender to match what was going on inside my mind and body...well, it's like a complete restoration of life. And with HRT (hormone replacement) bringing forward all of these new mental and physical expressions, feelings, and senses to light, it has developed new reactions and whatnot toward all of these material sensory devices that exist around us — films, art, music, etc.

I watched the first series of Fargo before I began transitioning. Did I experience that same fear and unrest like I did with the second series during my transition? I can describe it as being similar in tone, but with aggression and a domineering nature still coursing through my body, my feelings were that of shock and awe...and less of fear and unrest. I trembled during particular scenes of this past series — something I never did during the first series — despite both being spectacular all the same. It's interesting.

Juno (sitting) and Gigi. I <3 them so much.

There is certain humour I find funny now. I never did before. And likewise, vice versa. A couple of months ago, I rewatched Dumb & Dumber for probably the four-hundredth time. It wasn't as funny as I remembered it being before transitioning. Certain elements were funnier, mind you, but the overall movie wasn't as great as I remembered. I react way differently to music now. It has become such a direct and strong emotional connection, that my entire body actually wants to move to all the different rhythms that lace themselves upon my ears. I love it. I cry more during films (I seriously cannot wait to see The Danish Girl.) All of these new sensations are just incredible, really. It is seriously all so difficult to describe in writing. But everything finally feels real. That, I know for sure.

Breast growth again! Woohoo!

But hey, my boobs have grown slightly more as well! The cleavage is getting more prominent. Go me! Yay for boobies. <3

Cleavage, ahoy!

I am slightly irked at one thing, however. My upcoming gender clinic visit with Dr. Cathey got postponed by almost two months. TWO MONTHS. Gah. I was supposed to go on the 29th of this month, but now I'm rescheduled for the 23rd of February in 2016. That's bonkers. But oh well. I don't think there's much I can do about it. I just worry about my prescriptions getting refilled, that's all. Got to love that American healthcare system, right. :/

Juno was caught off-guard by his sister. <3

Be good and do good. Love. Until next week! <3

18 December
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The Cute Boy

Anna

Okay, here it goes. :P

For the past month or so, I've been talking with a certain guy online. He lives here in Little Rock, too (and actually, not too far from where I live.) And he's great. He's kinda quiet, but vocal when presented with a subject he's passionate about (just like me.) So that's rad. He's quite the gentleman concerning me, and he's highly respectful of who I am as a human being. <3

He stands several centimetres taller than me (thank jeebus), and he's got an adorable smile, which he doesn't show in ANY of his Facebook profile photos (utter shame.) Maybe I can coerce him to take a good selfie with me the next time we're together? We'll see. :P He has a fuzzy face and a buzzed head of hair (which I LOVE), and it tickles like crazy when he grazes my arm with his beard. I get all sorts of tingly feelings all over upon this happening. He's warm, and I'm cold. So, it's the perfect mix in terms of physicality. It's wonderful. He's wonderful.

As for his background, he's from North Carolina (I almost was as well) and has served in the U.S. Air Force. I have immense amounts of respect for that aspect of him — even though I know he's very happy that part of his life is over and done. I've enjoyed listening to the few stories he's told me about the different tours he went on since serving, and I'm sure I'll learn more about it the further we go along in getting to know each other. I look forward to it.

There is a bit of mystery with him, however. I'm not sure if this stems from his introversion and quiet nature, or if it's some other specific aspect I'm not aware of just yet, but it makes him incredibly fascinating. Maybe I'll be able to break that down. Daunting task, possibly? ;)

I genuinely like him. It's such a crazy notion that I could ever emotionally like a boy as I do...considering my stance of how I felt about that all pre-transition. I remember Leah asking me during the night that I came out to her about being trans, and one of the first questions she asked was, "So, does this mean you like men?" My response was a passionate (at the time), "Hell no. Boys are disgusting. Gross. Penises are 'ugh.' If, and ONLY if, something concerning that changes as I transition, then I'll cross that path when I get there." I've enjoyed stepping over that path. :)

It's interesting how that aspect of me has changed so drastically. Physically, I'm immensely attracted to the male gender now. With women, which I'm still attracted to, it's more of a style and substance, emotional attraction. It's hard to describe, really. But with men, no no...it's all physical. Oh my, is it ever.

I look forward to seeing how this continues with the cute boy. I like him...quite a bit. I'm hoping he feels the same in return. I think he does.

The feels. Every flipping time. :)

See ya, space cowboy. <3

14 December
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Not a Little Past Little Rock

Anna

Photo courtesy of Lorraine Stigar

I love living in Little Rock, Arkansas.

It's not too terribly big of a city (around 300,000), but I still love it the same as any other huge metropolitan area I've visited in the past. I feel safe here. Which is quite ironic to say considering Little Rock cracks 2015's top 10 most dangerous cities for high violent crime per capita. Crazy.

I love the different neighbourhoods — Hillcrest, The Heights, Chenal Valley, the downtown area, etc. It's wonderful, all of it. There's so much variety here, I go crazy for every single facet of it. And lots of different people to boot! Little Rock is probably the most, or even only, liberal and progressive city in the state. Love it. Even each of the Kroger stores in each different area feel different. It's so silly to think that, but they do. There's "Hipster Kroger," "White-privilege Kroger," and even "Death Star Kroger"! LOLs.

Little Rock is seriously beautiful. Rolling hills everywhere. <3
Image courtesy of Google Image Search

And then there's my friends and family located here. I love them so much. They truly are what makes this place feel like home. <3 I had a previous friend of mine from the Jonesboro area constantly tell me how she enjoyed moving to a more metropolitan area in Las Vegas many years ago, but ended up disliking the city life and ended up moving back to the Jonesboro area. She told me I'd end up feeling the same, and that I would be back eventually. It's funny how others think they know your identity and life better than you. :P

But no. LOLs. That isn't happening. Life is too wonderful now. Yes, my financial situation could be better, but I finally feel, for the most part, at ease. And I think it helps that, unlike her, I don't feel the need to see if that umbilical cord is still there, connected. Yes, I want acceptance from my family, but that's different than knowing you can't survive without parental financial and supportive help. So, yeah. :P (That's payback for comparing me to a Batman cosplay, you. Deal.)

Jenny Loo-hoo visited me back in July! It was great to see her pretty face! <3

Anyhoo, I know I've been posting more and more about my intense feelings toward my family...and it, in turn, has sparked more anger coming from my end. So, I felt the need to write a blog entry with a little less intensity about something that's been on my mind for a while now — my new home. :)

Be good and do good! <3

12 December
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The Fear Within EOTWP

Anna

Week 45

Fear (in verb form), as defined by Google Dictionary, is to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

And compassion is defined as sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Conservative republicans fear me...because they think I'm going to do terrible, dangerous things to their daughters or wives in the restroom. Misogynists are threatened by me...because they think ill of me as a woman — that I couldn't possibly be a woman (and all of the traits therein.) So, of those three descriptors in the definition above, we're left with one...

Painful.

This blog entry will be focused primarily on my brother, Shaun. Some of you who read my blog might even be very good friends with him. That's great, really. At his very imprisoned core, he can be a wonderful person. But he's missing (as is the rest of my family) the one key component of being human...and it was also defined above.

My brother is not compassionate. He is not sympathetic to what ails another individual that he deems not worthy enough of his twisted, warped view of how humanity and life is supposed to be. The fault of this is most definitely his religion — err, his contorted, cherry-picked view of religion, that is.

My brother became my best friend entering into my 20s and all the way up until he realised that I was, in fact, transitioning. We played all sorts of video games together, got on with the Herd group of friends of ours constantly, threw a baseball back and forth for exercise often, and was my cohort on the court (I should seriously trademark that line) when we'd play basketball on Sunday nights with our group of friends. But all of that changed when Shaun discovered who I truly am at heart.

You see, Shaun, all that you had to do was open your heart and mind, embrace who I am (slowly, mind you), and show that compassionate love toward me that I have defined so easily for you above. It truly is that simple. But instead, in those initial days of me coming out, and you not being so sure what exactly was going to take place, you decided to come over to my apartment to offer me a pitty prayer...as if praying for this was going to magically turn everything around and make me masculine in some miraculous event. And though you didn't use those exact words during your prayer, as I was crying with my eyes open and head up (while you had yours closed and your head bowed), I recognised the lack of empathy that was present in that moment in my small apartment. Because I knew what you were "praying for." You were belittling me. In actuality, you were "praying against" me coming out as transgender. And why?

Because of fear. You carry with you a mindset that refrains itself from understanding true grievances that people of a different stature might be enduring. And when presented with an instance of something of this calibre, you scoff. You have proven this time and again on your social media accounts (as has dad.) And it's disgusting. Putrid. For those of you not aware, my brother follows Matt Walsh, a professional truth-sayer, as he titles himself. Ugh. Walsh is very much so anti-LGBT and a bigot of the

He reads my blog! He reads my blog! /sarcasm

highest calibre in all of his writings on his blog. And my brother retweets and "likes" quite a lot of Walsh's tweets. You think you might be spreading the message in a positive manner for the gain of humanity, Shaun, but what you're actually doing is sending a hateful message — one of which is stunted, slanderous, and denying of human growth and positivity. And that's why I fight back, Shaun. That's why I speak up above all of the loud, vocal majority of people who follow in yours and Walsh's steps.

No one should EVER feel shame in who they are as an individual. It's people such as
this twatwaffle that want to keep others under their feet, living in a patriarchal society.

And it has shit to do with your beliefs, Shaun (fully loving others.) Please understand that. You can worship all of the crazy "Gods" that you want to. I honestly don't care. But what I do care about is that you compassionately love everyone without fear. This aspect of life is a black and white affair. There's no grey middle ground here. You just love. And that's it. It's all that your sister wants from others and strives to be in herself. I have been immensely patient in awaiting a sincere understanding from you and the rest of our family...and not a single one of you have taken even the slightest step to fulfill creating that. It's been a year since I came out to you lot, and no change has even occurred. Do you understand how that creates this vigorous fire within me? Do you see the pain now? Do you?!

(See, Shaun...I can do this, too.)

Be good and do good! Love. <3
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the rest of you,

Do I come across as being attacking toward my family, or as one furiously trying to shed light upon a situation that so desperately needs truth?

I've always felt that when pressure is applied against negativity, it can eventually circumvent and destroy any clout that causes that kind of thinking — it's just that the pressure you apply must be based upon truth and positivity. And I feel I do just that in my blog.

I created this primarily as a resource for cisgender people to come to understand what it is that transgender people face daily in our lives. And as well, my blog is used as a lifeline for those trans people who feel there is no hope in their lives — which is why we fight and rise above the hate and discrimination. So we can live. You don't get anywhere by just waiting it out. I tried that for 32 years, and near the end of 2014, I wanted to die. But I threw myself a rope to latch on to. And I'm very thrilled that I caught it.

11 December
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Corrupt Candidates and Siblings

Ben Carson

The idiocy is unreal.

The "transgender thing," Carson? O RLY? Maybe if everything that exits from your blowhole wasn't an exuberant amount of tripe and rubbish and lies, maybe, just maybe people might start taking you seriously. Carson, I am not a thing. I am a fucking human being. Someone who, unlike you, Carson, has immense amounts of love and understanding for others who are different. I don't fear difference, Carson. I don't hide behind a wall of corruption like you, Carson. The hate is unreal. There are photos taken of you stepping out of a car holding a sign that reads, "I am a Christian." No. No, sir. You are not. Maybe a fundamentalist wacko...maybe an extremist built on the theology that anyone outside of your spectrum of "normal" should be shut down and silenced, but you most certainly are not a "Christian."

I despise religion because it fosters this kind of impertinent shit. BUT...there are those Christians that can follow the core, new belief that love conquers all, and believe me when I say that I appreciate those of you that do. Thank you. But you are a minority. Please understand that. Your voice isn't what gets heard. Instead, mongrels such as this walnut take the stage. It's beyond disheartening. And Carson, anyone...and I mean ANYONE under the LGBT umbrella who wants to serve in our country's military, openly, should be allowed that right. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The problem is not them and people such as myself. It's YOU, Carson. Get over yourself.

My brother and I — before he knew hate existed.

Wrong, Shaun. You are so terribly incorrect and wrong, my dear, sweet, and ignorant brother.

Quit preaching bigotry. The posts and retweets you make on social media show exactly how dark your heart really is toward those of us who are different. Your whole hate the sin, love the sinner mentality is bullshit, and you most certainly know it. Maybe start...you know, ACTUALLY doing good toward others. And not just toward people YOU like, but for ALL. Every single piece of tripe you post on social media that goes against the growth of all of humanity speaks so very loudly of what kind of presence exists within your heart and mind. Praying does shit. Actions ... louder than ...words. Crazy concept, I know. But it works.

Be good, do good. That's all that matters in life.

06 December
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Dressed With Love EOTWP

Anna

Week 44

It's been 11 months since I began HRT. The changes have been incredible. Eight more weeks, and it will have been a full year on hormones (remember, a year is 52 weeks; and I count a full month as a 4-week period.) My boobs are growing more now — slowly, of course, but definitely more steadily now. This makes me happy. My facial changes have been so surreal, so dreamlike to me. I never would have thought I'd make it to this point earlier last year, but here I am. And I'm smiling now. I laugh. I cry. I exhibit all sorts of crazy emotions that I've never felt before, but have always known I should have had from the start. And that, alone, makes me feel alive. It makes everything worth living for. <3

Changes have been amazing thus far. :)

I mean, look at the photo above. You can clearly tell that I've not only lost weight since last year, but my shoulders have narrowed, my breasts have developed (fake, prosthetic boobies in the right photo), my face has developed crazy cheekbone structure, my lips have dramatically softened, my skin has gotten softer and a bit more pale than before, and my actual hair has grown tremendously. Crazy! And that's just concerning the physicality of it all thus far. Mentally and emotionally, I'm exuberant and full of life now. The photo on the right is of a sad, depressed little girl who was still scared and struggling with life. (I still struggle with life, but in different aspects now...no longer concerning my identity. Don't we all, though?)

I look SO different now. This journey is incredible.

I met a boy. He's cute. He's terrible at displaying and telling emotion (really, aren't most guys, though?), but he says sweet nothings to me. And I like that. And that's all I'm going to say concerning that. :)

Moving right along. :)

Work has been horrendous lately. No, not even Black Friday weekend, as I actually kind of enjoyed that day at work — even if my shift was 3 a.m. to 11 a.m. I didn't mind. No, I'm, along with several others, getting severely brassed off with all of the rubbish going on concerning management and shifts. There are managers I love working with, mind you, such as the main general manager of the store, or even the hunky used-to-be-a-body-builder guy that manages the men's and boys' departments, but there's one that gets me bloody fuming on shipment days. And on Friday, this person struck a discord with the

Really trying to smile while at work.

majority of my co-workers by forcing us to stay past our shifts to finish unpacking the shipment, and by telling us we weren't taking a 15-minute break until the entire thing was finished. Bollocks. This was never a thing in the past, but I suppose something has changed now. So, let's frustrate the living hell out of all of your co-workers by talking to us like we're incompetent third-graders. Sure! >:/ I can only hope that catalogue designer position I interviewed for calls me back soon for a second interview. I'm ready to get out of this awful place. I'm not getting paid enough to put up with this nonsense. And the shift times have ruined my sleep schedule and overall functionality.

Moving on.

Breast growth again! Yay!

"There's so much beauty in the world...if you blink, you'll miss it." — Shea Glover

There is so much truth to the quote above. And unfortunately, so many people miss it because they're so focused on nonsensical elements in their lives — such as religion, material possessions, or self-power and worth. Our extremely dysfunctional and capitalistic society has ruined the lives of so many people; it keeps human beings from seeing the true value in all of us as a species. Other species of mammals react in an instinctual manner regarding a form of love. They just do it. There's no second guessing required. But humans, no...we're a species that can mentally decide to love or not. And I fully believe that is so because religion is what firmly believes in evil and hate. It does. Seriously, read the oh-so twisted book that is the Bible. It's horrible, the amount of fearmongering and hate that exists within. And it's not just the Bible, too. There are all sorts of other religious texts that exert the same written form of hate.

Hate is an acquired trait. It's taught. And from a very early age in your life, before you ever even knew such a thing existed, you probably ventured into a church of some form or another. And in that church, you were immediately given witness to the belief that there was a good side, "God," and an evil side, "Satan." You were then taught that every decision you make going forward in your life was determined based on the morality of one of these two sides — that life in general was a very black and white affair in which you progressed. Aspects that weren't considered "good" based on scriptures written within said Bible were drilled into your head...for you to stay far, far way from such taboo subjects or else you'll face the wrath of eternal damnation and torture (ultimatums are a form of fearmongering, which is an inherent trait formed from hate.)

Religion believes in hate. Humans do not. "But I believe in God, and I don't hate." And that's all well and good. You're one of the rarities in this world who can use religion in a positive manner. But let me get real with you for a minute. You're wasting your time. Why? Why do you need the facets of religion to be good and do good in your life...when you can just be good instead of the notion that if you don't, you'll suffer from some fictional, fiery, and tormenting death? Because at an early age, you were taught to fear elements unseen.

When you finally, as a human being, realise the idiocy that comes from this, and you truly awaken and open your eyes to what actually exists within reality, love becomes this incredibly encompassing, powerful tool you'll carry going forward in everything that you do. Love inspires hope. It inspires passion. It inspires fruitfulness. It inspires growth. It inspires positive teaching. It creates and inspires beauty.

And it completely and utterly destroys hate, fear, discrimination, or any other despicably taught trait.

So be good. And hey, do good while you're at it. Because someone out there needs to be loved. For real. <3

05 December
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The Meaning of Christmas EOTWP

On the Other Side EOTWP

The Cute Boy

Not a Little Past Little Rock

The Fear Within EOTWP

Corrupt Candidates and Siblings

Dressed With Love EOTWP

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The Meaning of Christmas *EOTWP*

On the Other Side *EOTWP*

The Cute Boy

Not a Little Past Little Rock

The Fear Within *EOTWP*

Corrupt Candidates and Siblings

Dressed With Love *EOTWP*

About me

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The Meaning of Christmas EOTWP

On the Other Side EOTWP

The Fear Within EOTWP

Dressed With Love EOTWP