I Want You To Want Me *EOTWP*

18 September

Week 33
And with this introduction, week 33 has come to a close. Yippee! This past week was a bit better now that I'm working. And despite the terrible hours of the day that I'm working, I'm quite happy to finally work again. The job is terrible, but it feels good. Getting up at 4 a.m. to get ready for work, however, does not feel good. Ugh.

As I sit and drink my coffee, I'm pondering what direction to traverse toward. Why couldn't things have just worked out as a songwriter? Not that I'm admitting finality in that regard, but I learned through many trials, submissions, contests, performances, and the like that the current world of musical genres and styles just doesn't support my lyrical connotations. I still write about telling stories, and mainstream/radio music has no desire or care for that at all. Bugger. It's all false examples of love, desires, sex, and misogyny. Or if it's country music, it's blue jeans, back roads, beer, and trucks. No thanks. There's no substance in that nonsense.

My boob development has been interesting since starting progesterone. There are days I feel incredibly tender and sore, and then others (like today) when I don't feel anything. It kind of bothers me, really. I want these girls to grow! Patience, Anna. Be patient. It seems my thighs and hip areas have spurred some development this past week. At least, it really feels like they have. I'll be excited to see measurement progress next weekend. Am I allowed to say that I love my hair? I do. :P

Mmmmm, this coffee is good.
Hips/thighs are getting bigger

Let's talk about something very important to people such as myself — transgender mental healthcare and needs. I have always carried within an immense desire to see things through. This could be a multitude of things; it could be school or work-related projects, finishing an incredibly difficult task or level in a video game, or personal health goals such as my weight loss from late last year in preparation of transitioning.

So, it's very important that my drive toward positive mental health stay focused and stable as I progress down this path that has finally become my reality. And aside from days that are overly emotional or hormonal, I do just that. But when it comes to fellow transgender sisters and brothers who come seeking me out for advice, my senses tingle even greater in this regard. Because I know I'm getting the chance to greatly help someone and improve their life in a more positive manner. But I sometimes have a problem when aiding, verbally, others in need. For some reason, my mother's quite direct attitude of do it or die will occasionally peek its figurative head out. This is directly correlated to her upbringing in overly religious church denominations. And I loathe that it's affected me. I might come across as too blunt, too brash or harsh, or even too strong and pushy. And it's causing me to rethink my stances on how to help others in need. I always direct in a manner that leads to a positive end goal, but I realize that there are people out there who are a bit more sensitive to this particular kind of instruction. Granted, I don't do it all the time. But when I start feeling that a friend isn't pushing or trying hard enough to improve their life after a significant amount of time, I begin getting frustrated with seeing pain overtake their lives.

Keep in mind, I've done this very same thing to myself by pushing forward in my early to mid-20s in trying to prove that I could be masculine...knowing full well that I was lying to myself. By age 30, I started feeling desperate; I felt very despondent, like my back was up against the wall and I was running out of time. It was an awful, horrible feeling of despair. I hated it. I felt weak, and I was totally miserable.

And after my brother's wedding — as my last official public, documented showing in a male role (best man) — I knew it was time to pick myself up and just go for it. "Enough is enough," I would constantly tell myself over the course of the next year as I began planning for my transition. And I kept that stringent mantra held closely the entire time.

That's why it bothers me so much to see fellow trans brothers and sisters struggle in and around their initial steps in getting started. A friend of mine posted on her Facebook wall that she tossed all of her hormone medication down the toilet. At first, I didn't know if this was a figure of speech, as if she were giving up on herself, or if she had literally done it. But it incited rage within me. I felt scared and horrified for her. No one, and I bloody mean absolutely NO ONE, deserves to live in a mind and body that they never asked or intended for. It's cruel. It's punishment against yourself. You'll constantly see me saying "You can!" to those that seek my advice and help. Why? Because you can succeed. I'm proof of this. You very well might lose close friends and family in doing so, but ultimately, your happiness is at the forefront of all that matters most. So do it. You can. And you will. It's hella scary, I know. But you can.

I suppose I'll end this week's post on that note. Stay strong, be diligent, be good, and do good. Love. <3 

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