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11 September

Week 32
Three days spent at my part-time job at Old Navy in the last two weeks. Ugh. I desperately need something better. With that said, I had an interview for an assistant manager position at a local furniture store. The pay is much better than Old Navy (though not quite up to Hob Lob's pay), but it's full-time hours. I'll take it. While at work yesterday morning, I also had several other calls and emails for possible full-time employment. Now things are starting to fall into place. It irks me that it's taken until September for this to start happening, but I suppose the summer is the slow time of the year. One of the other calls was for a studio photography/sales position, and the second was an administrative assistant position. Both are full-time hours as well, and I think the pay might be better than the furniture store position. Hopefully I can get interviews set up for those early next week.

See, brother? Sitting back waiting for something to just happen doesn't work. Actions, however, do work. Logic and reasoning, such a powerful tool.

But here's the eight month mark progression set of photos...

And here's the physical statistics report...

Super Mario Maker came out today. I'm super jealous of all the people able to pick up a copy of the game. I want it badly. I've been watching the majority of the morning on, and even right now as I'm writing this blog post, I have a stream going on in the background. The 100-Mario challenge looks hysterically fun!

I care about my friends greatly. And when I see one I've known for such a long time struggling to find themselves after terrible, unfortunate events taking place in their life, it annoys me so much when another person suggests to them to ignore it and allow a non-physical entity to take control. Idiocy, that's what that is. If you want to improve things in your life and your surrounding environs, then stand up, buckle down, and take charge of the matter. Only you can improve your situation. No other has the ability to do that for you. Stay strong, be good, and do good. I cannot stress this enough. Religious falsities are only going to lead to more pain. Take charge.

I know that aspect can be difficult to pursue sometimes, but use me as an inspiration. I was a terrible mess last year. Things were getting bad toward the end of the year for me. I hated everyone and everything. I kept myself from going to friend events because I was just miserable. I hated socializing. I remember going to The Herd Christmas party and feeling so extremely out of place. I sat next to a friend of mine the entire time (who doesn't approve of who I am, I discovered), and I didn't move the entire time. I was sad. I sat there almost bringing myself to tears a couple of times during the night watching the Herd members go about themselves during the party, enjoying the night. I was depressed that I couldn't be my true self in front of them, but I knew the majority of them wouldn't be accepting of me, too. It was emotionally crushing.

But I was seeing trans friends around me progress and noticing the positive changes, and it was inspiring me to push harder toward becoming the real me. Speaking to a therapist who was versed in gender dysphoria issues helped greatly with my confidence moving forward. I guess I'll unveil this here now...

For my brother (in a public forum, yes),

I'm about to unveil something to you. Back during the early spring of 2012, you were still roommates with Andy, living at his old residence, when I came over to hang out that day. You randomly brought up an interesting subject — one that agitated, disgusted, and frustrated you beyond comprehension. And our conversation went a bit like this...(paraphrasing, of course)

Shaun: "Hey, can you believe this about Billy??"
Me: "Billy? Which Billy? What happened??"
S: "Billy (name withheld). He goes by Kayla now. *disgusted laugh* That's just disturbing. We talked baseball together. He's a GUY." *he pulls out his phone to show me her profile on Facebook* (I was stunned. She's gorgeous.)
A: "Oh, so he's a she. She's transgender. What's wrong with that? She's wanting to be happy."
S: "Uh, how about the fact that it's wrong. That God makes us who we are for a reason."
A: "So...God made her transgender then. Shaun, this is an imperfect world we live in - where all sorts of crazy happens. Where imperfections abound at every corner of the world. Autistic children? Conjoined twins? Babies born with fatal imperfections that take them from this world within days? Stillborn babies? Our genetic make-up is an almost unexplainable thing. Crap happens, Shaun. It just does. Being transgender isn't wrong."
S: "Well, it's disturbing. Whatever."

That was the gist of our conversation. Obviously not word for word, of course. But yup. This scared me. Because I was getting ready to come out to you a few days before this meeting, and I was preparing to tell you the truth about myself that day when I came over. You were the one person I felt that I could always talk to in times of need. But this situation pulled me away once again from me starting transitioning — and it let me know that you shouldn't be the one I talk to when the time finally came for me to do so. I was terrified. Remember me altering my voice, attempting to sound femme when I worked with you at Art Advertising? I have a hundred recordings saved on my PC from a previous phone I had while working with you...I would practice feminising my voice while out doing deliveries for that job. I have been trying to make adjustments and ready myself for years, Shaun. Years. And that was just during the autumn of 2010 to spring of 2011. This isn't something that just came out of the blue one day and I decided to be trans, dear sweet, ignorant brother. It's real. It's an aspect of myself that I've been living with my entire life. And discovering that a friend of mine, Kayla, was just like me was quite inspiring. I began talking to her over private IMs about my secrecy. She kept hope alive for me, and she would check in from time to time to see if I was readying myself to make the move. Thank you, Kayla.

So, yes, my brother was very close to becoming the first person I came out to in being transgender. And his response concerning Kayla let me know that I couldn't talk to him any further. I debated and debated for the next couple of years how to go about coming out to friends and family members. All the while, my pay at Hob Lob kept increasing year after year, making the financial move to transition that much easier as well. The WPATH standards for beginning the transition process had loosened a bit by this point, too. Close friends at work started noticing aspects about me. There were plenty of times I mentioned to co-workers, "I wish I were a girl," or "It would make so much more sense if I were born as a girl."

Now here I am. Stronger, smarter, and more perspicacious. Thank you to everyone who's offered words of encouragement through this journey. You've made me brave. The adventure's just begun. <3

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