Open Up Those Arms, People!

Friday, January 16, 2015





I love my days off. I really do. I get to be me. I get to be comfortable...at least for a small bit of time. Dressing up brings me a little relief these days, until I start transitioning, where it will begin being the norm. I don't get "pleasure" from it, as I'm sure that's what my family thinks (I'm NOT a crossdresser/drag queen.)

I identify as female. Is that so difficult to understand or comprehend? I don't know if my Y chromosome decided to only affect the physical aspect of me, but it definitely didn't grasp hold of my intellect, my emotions, and my subconscious. If I can get real and personal for a second or two...  I despise my male parts/appendage. Loathe it. It gives me grief. It gives me pain. It emotionally torments me. And I want it gone. There there now. I've said my peace.

I have one family member who supports me and is understanding. And I love him dearly for that. He might think of me strange or awkward for the time being, but he supports me nonetheless. I hope in due time he starts to feel normal about things, though. Would be great. He and I have always had a close bond growing up. Hope it continues that way. He's a rad guy with a cool, central European haircut. <3

Oh, and for the rest of my family - who seems to only view my situation from a Biblical standpoint... 1 Timothy 5:8. You're welcome. Now, be good. Be supportive. Be wonderful. (But even I know that's not enough for my family.)

In the video above, I'm just testing out my voice, as I've been doing some extensive vocal therapy exercises for the past two months now. People who work with me have definitely noticed my pitch has increased, and I'm happy to see the direction and improvements I've made. Still a lot more work to be done, though! I'll get there.

Anyway, I've come out to several more people - including my co-manager at work - and everyone has been very supportive. Being surrounded by all of these wonderfully caring, supportive friends and co-workers has made these initial steps before transitioning all that much easier. I'm incredibly thankful for them all, really.

Less than two weeks to go now! Be good, everyone! :) <3

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14 comments

  1. I think the video record is a good thing. I think you should try having one once a week to show the progression in a more animated way. I'm sure there is a dramatic change from this time last year.

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  2. That's a good idea! I might just do that. Honestly, it's a dramatic change from just two months ago! I've been pushing really hard on this aspect - not so much that I'd injure my vocal chords, but enough to really give them a good vocal stretch. It's working. :)

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  3. I'll often go into a high pitched voice when playing or reading with my kids, but I doubt it sounds anything like a woman's voice. lol And I couldn't do it for very long before having a hacking fit.

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    1. Oh my, yup. When I started, my voice would break or "crack" at various intervals as I'd climb the pitch scale. Now, it's always a really smooth transition as I go from low to high, and vice versa.

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  4. Couple of questions, maybe for future posts:

    How did you pick (I assume you picked it) your name? What is the inspiration?

    Are you a fan of Cowboy Bepop?? Are you a fan of anime and what are some of your favorites if you are?

    Don't answer here, unless they aren't filling enough for a blog article...

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    1. It's okay! I'll answer here with the small-form response. :)

      I started associating with my name around the age of 11 or 12-ish. I've always viewed it as a female extension of my birth name - Ryan. Ry-an. An-na. Anna. :) Just felt very natural to me, and it helps that I immediately fell in love with it, too. My middle name, Claire, I decided on when I was into my late teenage years...actually around the time I graduated high school. I just always thought the name was pretty, and it happened to mesh and flow really well with both my first and last name. :) (I'll explain and unveil more about my full name in a blog post, though.)

      I love Cowboy Bebop! THREE, TWO, ONE, LET'S JAM! I also love Chobits, Naruto Shippuuden, Fairy Tale, Samurai Champloo, One Piece, and Shaman King...to name a few. :)

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    2. So glad your name isn't from Frozen... my girls would all be named Anna or Elsa if they had their way. My youngest daughter is Jasmyne Claire, and she is the one craziest about Anna. Funny connections.

      I tend to be old school with my anime. Akira, Ghost in the Shell, Studio Ghibli stuff, Sunbow animated stuff from the 80s (mostly Saturday morning cartoons like Transformers and GI Joe). Most modern anime pushes me away for it's silliness or drawn out drama scenes. I've been trying to watch Naruto, just because I want to see if he makes it to hokage. I loose interest though when the story doesn't advance very far due to staging an upcoming fight and then extended banter... ugh.

      Cowboy Bebop suffers a little from the fluff, but the music is awesome, and the art style strikes a chord with me. The story is pretty decent, and the voice acting is spot on, save for the random bounty.

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    3. I didn't even realize Anna was a name from that movie! Haha. Oh well. It's MY name. That's what matters. :)

      I <3 Studio Ghibli stuff. Princess Mononoke is still one of my favs! And yeah, Naruto can be drawn out a lot, but I still love it too much. The title character is such an underdog, that he's always given me so much hope in life to succeed. I really appreciate that about the overall story.

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  5. Hey! Ive been keeping up with your blog when I can (internet isn't always consistently available over in Tanzania lol) and I just want want to say I think it's great that you're posting your thoughts for people to see. It helps them to understand and it also helps those in your shoes to relate. I know a few people going through the same thing as you right now and it takes a lot of courage and strength. Keep it up!

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    1. Thanks, Sara! I'm glad you're reading, as it means a lot to me! Thank you. :)

      Also, glad to see that you're doing well in Tanzania! I keep up with all of your photos and whatnot that you post, too. Tanzania is beautiful!

      And pass along my blog to those you know going through the same thing as me. If I could help in any way, shape, form, or fashion at all - to help save a life and bring happiness into the fold - then by all means, please do it. :)

      I'll keep staying strong! I care too much about improving my life. <3 Be good, Sara!

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  6. Hey Anna. I've been keeping up with your blog for a while now. I have a friend who has recently decided to make a similar choice as you. As much as I care about them, it has definitely taken time to get used to the idea. On the family troubles, my advice, from what I've seen is to take it easy on the family and give them time to adjust. This is obviously a huge transition and they won't be comfortable with the notion of their little boy deciding they want to be female. One more piece of advice, try not to use scripture out of context because the religious folks will have a field day with that(I'm sure God doesn't care for it either ;) ). Reading all of 1 Timothy 5 will show that that particular verse applied to caring for widows. I hope my advice will help you in your journey! Best of luck to you! :)

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    1. Thanks for the advice and understanding. I really appreciate it. :)

      I'm definitely taking a step back from my family to let them think about this for themselves. I've had 32 years worth of knowing who I am on the inside, and this is all completely brand new for them - to the point that they think that I've all of a sudden just decided out of the blue that I want to be a woman. And that's not how it works. :( The choice in deciding to finally move forward with my life has been recent, yes, and even that has been 13 years in the making.

      I try really hard not to combat my family with ridiculous verbiage, but using my own factual, logical, and critical mind isn't working on them. I thought I'd sink to their level and go "Biblical" to get them to understand - and even doing it from a distance (on my blog) instead of personally texting or talking to them. I feel like it's lose-lose with them no matter how much I try. :(

      But thank you for the well wishes. Everything will be fine. I know who I am, and I am beyond excited about my physical aspects finally matching up with what exists internally. It makes me giddy and happy with excitement. It's gonna be difficult, sure, but I can do it. :)

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  7. Anna, just wanted to make a quick post to tell you how PRETTY I think these photos are of you. (Not that anyone should be defined by outward appearances.) ;-)

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    1. Thank you! That's very sweet of you to say so. :)

      And you are absolutely correct. No one should be defined by outward appearance, but instead by how you treat/mistreat others.

      Being around such beautiful souls as I have these last several months has been so eye-opening for me. I feel all of this crazy positivity radiate at every corner now, and it feels wonderful. I suppose that's why I always say "be good". Because being good is just the BEST. :)

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